For whoever's lived on both sides of the pond

"I think the biggest difference between England and America is that England has history, and America has geography. In England, you can find whatever you need as long as you're willing to go back far enough, or go and find out when it happened. In America, you can find whatever you need just as long as you're prepared to drive far enough".

- Neil Gaiman (interview at the back of American Gods)

Manual of Life - Motto # 6

(Always) Be prepared to be surprised.

Sometimes, your worst nightmares are when your dreams come true.

Intense Paranoia - Identification Method #43

Excerpts from the minutes of the meeting of the Committee for the Proection of Proection Proection and Proection, held on 19 Fe bber, 1978.

".....

Minister Edwds: And your lot are certain about this?

Professor Edwd: Quite certain.

Minister Edwds: And there's no possibility of any errors in calculations?

Professor Edwd: None whatsoever.

Minister Edwds: No ambiguity about the conclusions?

Professor Edwd: Not in the least.

Minister Edwds: And everybody's unanimous about this? Nobody has an alternative theory?

Professor Edwd: Sir, every single scientist working on this is agreed that this is inevitable.

Minister Edwds: But dammit, man, it's like something out of a science-fiction story!

Professor Edwd: Nevertheless, sir, this is going to happen.

Minister Edwds: I still don't see how.

Professor Edwd: Let me explain again. Given the explosion of population levels in Asian countries, by 2015, eight of the 15 .........................most populous countries in the world will be from Eastern and Southern Asia. Further, the entire vertical belt from .........................Iran to Japan will account for about 65% of the world's population. On the other hand, the Americas will only account .........................for about 10-15%.

Minister Edwds: With you so far.

Professor Edwd: Ok. Well, given that the Americas are almost directly at the other side of the globe from the Asian region, this will .........................create an imbalance. And because of this imbalance, the distribution of weight on the Earth's surface will ever so .........................slightly be in favour of one side of the globe.

Minister Edwds: But surely the extra landmass of the Americas, not to mention the Pacific Ocean, should balance the scales, so to .........................speak.

Professor Edwd: They do, and they have for all these millennia. But, and this is the crucial bit, this level of population imbalance has .........................never occurred before. In fact, the imbalance will be almost completely imperceptible, and its effect will be almost .........................negligible.

Minister Edwds: Well, then, what's the problem?

Professor Edwd: Almost negligible, sir. Over time, given no changes in the population growth levels, this slight imbalance will continue .........................to grow and eventually cause a very tiny shift in the Earth's rotation and revolution. Again, a very tiny shift, but it will .........................be there nevertheless.

Minister Edwds: And this will cause trouble?

Professor Edwd: Without a doubt. Weather patterns will alter, the effect of the Sun on some parts of the world will be radically .........................different, the magnetic poles may be affected, not to mention the tectonic plates. In short, life will be drastically .........................different.

Minister Edwds: And so you've come up with this solution.

Professor Edwd: Yes, sir. Unless, of course, you wish to pursue a policy of generating wide-spread conflict, natural disasters, and .........................economic meltdowns in the region, which would lead to the deaths of millions of people, and help adjust the balance.

Minister Edwds: Of course not! Don't be stupid, man, nobody wants that on their conscience.

Professor Edwd: Your predecessor didn't seem to mind.

Minister Edwds: My predecessory was a ....

Professor Edwd: An idiot.

Minister Edwds: Hrrumph...yes, quite.

Professor Edwd: Well, then, this is the only real alternative.

Minister Edwds: Can't we just share this data with the world, and try and convince these countries to stop popping out so many .........................children?

Professor Edwd: And risk being accused of trying to control their sovereignity by manipulating data? Risk being accused of attempting .........................to prevent them from 'realising their potential' by acting like a 'typically colonial overlord'? Worse, risk our findings .........................being accepted and then being told that they would be sending boatloads of people over to our side of the world to .........................help balance things out?

Minister Edwds: Yes.....I guess you're right. Alright then, explain what you have in mind.

Professor Edwd: It's simple, sir. Since we can't prevent the Asian countries from growing in population, and since the Americas won't .........................keep up in numbers, we have to simply increase the weight of the population on this side so that overall, the weights .........................match.

Minister Edwds: Fatten them up, you mean, so that one of us are equal to three of them

Professor Edwd: Exactly, sir.

Minister Edwds: And you plan to do this by opening these....what did you call them?

Professor Edwd: Fast food chains, sir.

Minister Edwds: Hahahaha...Won't people lose weight if they have to run to get such food?

Professor Edwd: Ha ha. Very droll, sir. No, it's called so because the food will be served quickly, and because people will be expected to .........................eat it quickly and leave the premises. No more sitting and eating meals at leisure, with lots of chatting. No, you go in, .........................you gulp your food down, and you run off. This will serve three purposes. First, by eating quickly, you're less likely to .........................chew your food properly and thus less likely to digest it properly. A larger percentage of food turns to fat as a result. .........................Two, by serving more people in less time, we get more people to eat. Three, if you're eating so quickly, you're less .........................likely to reflect on how unhealthy the food you're eating really is.

Minister Edwds: And just how unhealthy will the food be?

Professor Edwd: Very. Full of fat, dripping oil, packed with lard-inducing chemicals, a distinct lack of fibre, - the works.

Minister Edwds: And you're convinced people will want to eat such slop?

Professor Edwd: We are quite certain. Our studies show that they will be immensely successful if we merely paint these places in bright .........................colours, advertise them with peppy jingles and a funny slogan or two, give them some quirky names, and throw in a .........................side-order or two of fizzy drinks.

Minister Edwds: And this will all be legitimate?

Professor Edwd: Every step of the way. Publicly listed companies with minority shareholders, giving out dividends, hiring and firing - .........................but all secretly owned by our agents.

Minister Edwds: And there will be no trace back to us?

Professor Edwd: None whatsoever. And even if someone does, whose going to believe such an outrageous story. They'll just be labelled .........................as conspiracy nutters, and that will be that.

Minister Edwds: Well, I guess there's no harm in trying.

Professor Edwd: So we should take that as a 'yes'?

Minister Edwds: Oh why not. Approval granted.

Professor Edwd: Thank you. Now, for the next item on our agenda..

....."

For Veena*

Bamse's Guide on how to cope with a little snow.

You know, this country is about as bad as India. Remember the floods in 2006? And now this. Travel is still pretty dire in the capital, the economy is expecting a £2bn hit, and inevitably, some people find reason to moan about giving kids a holiday.

At least this fellow's happy about it all.


* Ok, also for Shefaly, Feanor, Dewdrop, Neha, and Shyam. But mostly Veena.

Right, you lot. Let's get this sorted then.

Through feedreaders, Aishwarya occasionally shares random interesting, funny, and just plain wacky posts by others. A few days back, she pointed to this article. And it seemed like the perfect excuse to talk about something that some readers of this blog probably hate me for.

(Aside - I disliked that article. No wait....I thoroughly disliked the article. It is the ideal example of why I don't read sites/blogs that are about 'movements' or 'viewpoints'. Because they're the kind of places that post long, rambling writeups filled with pseudo-jargon created not just to exclude any new reader (that's a given), but also to cover up the distinct lack of a new thought/idea/angle. I mean, seriously, "thin privilege"? What utter shite).

Anyways, this isn't about the ideas discussed in the article per se. It's about why that woman could write the article in the first place - by being perpetually thin.

***********************************************************************

Most people assume that if you're not fat, you're fit. That just because it's not too healthy to be overweight, and since you're so obviously not, you're healthy. That just because you can go through a lunch-for-two at breakfast, but not put on any weight, that you're blessed and "soooo lucky - uggh, I haaaate you". That just because you can fit into a size 'S' means you won't have all the problems that people at the other end of the physical spectrum face.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Being lean is better. Being trim is healthy. Being the type of person who can lose or gain five kilos in three weeks of training, and can bench press twice their body weight while still fitting in a 'S/M', that's healthy. Being naturally thin, despite every attempt you make to not be so, isn't.

(And by naturally thin, I'm not referring to anorexic models, or people who eat half an apple and complain about how much they've eaten today. I mean people like this. People who represent the other extreme of the weight-gene, who need to do three lunges after three helpings of biryani and phirni to burn off all the calories they just ingested. People who are skinny as kids, gangly as teenagers, and thin as adults. And by the way, it's got nothing to do with metabolic rates. Is a myth, that. It does have to do with genes, though.)

Because naturally thin people can have high levels of cholesterol too. Because they are more at risk when they fall ill - losing five kilos to that bout of malaria could mean tipping over from 'underweight' to 'famine-zone thin'. Because they have to spend more money than most people to buy more layers of clothing than other people do, when living in cool climes, what with not having the layers of natural fat that others use to ward off cold winds.

Because they end up spending even more money on gyms and trainers only to discover that if they don't go for just one week, they'll be back to their old skinnyass self. Because they're more likely to get hernias from injudiciously trying to lift something (or someone) heavy, just to prove that while they might be thin, they're not weak. Because they're more likely to be shaken about like a rag when the wind is howling down the streets.

Because they spend more money than average on food, because they need to eat more than the normal amount just to keep on remaining that thin. Because despite stuffing their face at every single meal, when they meet someone after a period of more than a fortnight, they are inevitably told that they're "wasting away".

Because they too suffer from name-calling trauma, what with epithets such as beanpole, cricket stump, clothes hanger and sookhi bombil* being merrily applied to them throughout their lives. Because they end up being less touchy-feely after years of having other people complain about how their bones are short-range weapons of Pain.

And by 'they', obviously I mean 'us'.

So yes, being overweight isn't fun. But neither is the opposite. Being naturally, genetically thin is NOT a blessing. It is NOT to be envied. And it is certainly NOT something such people deserve to be hated for.

Let that be the end of that. We good? Good.

Now excuse me while I go eat my mid-morning triple-decker cheese toast, with a side order of hot chocolate.....whaaaat? It's snowing outside. I need all those layers.



* Dried Bombay Duck. You'll understand if you've seen one.

Friday Fun: Fact/Fiction (also, Fpoor Fpuns)

What you didn't know that you always wanted to know about me. Or some funny line like that.
(Warning: This may or may not be true)
************************************************************

A die-hard King Kong fan, I signed up immediately when asked if I wanted to train at a secret ninja school*. I left within a week though out of disillusion - I hadn't realised they were experts in guerrila warfare.



* If you're interested, I could tell you where it is, but then I'd have....you know the rest.

Quote of the Day: "I'm 26 years old. What the hell else am I going to do with myself?"

- Andy Roddick; when asked after his quarterfinal match at the Australian Open as to what kept him motivated in trying to win a Major five years after he won his only one (in which period he has been repeatedly rebuffed by a certain genius from the land of Lindt), as he's considered to be too old to seriously compete against players who're too young to even legally drink alcohol.

I've never been a fan of Roddick's power game, which was why The Rise of Federer was particularly delightful, but I've always enjoyed his (many) post-match one-liners* and admired his impressive dignity and good naturedness in dealing with the fact that just one man could deny him so much.

I don't have yearly wish-lists, but if I did, I'd want Federer to win the French and Roddick to win at least one more Major (preferably this year).


Banner of the Day - "Shh. Quiet. Genius at work" (during the Federer qf).

Statistic of the Day - Federer reaches his 19th consecutive semi-final at a Major. That's almost five years that he's made it to that round of each of the four Majors. The next-best in all tennis history? Ivan Lendl....with 10 in a row.

He is that good.


* Remember his interview after the Wimbledon final ("I threw the bathroom sink at him, but he got the bathtub and threw it right back")? Brilliant.

Friday Fun: Fpoor Fpuns

Q: Why was the little Indian boy expecting his phoren-return cousins to be sprouting real wings?
A: Because everyone kept referring to them as Par-desis.


Thank you, thank you. Please contact my agent for all bookings.

Greyness has cut large swathes through his hair. He smiles a lot and maintains a constant banter, but his eyes look out the world beneath a furrowed brow with weary resignation and some fear. He tries to sell me something else - anything else - besides the one little item that I'm buying only to get some change to pay off the cybercafe next door, rattling off a list of all that he stocks in an ever-quickening desperation as he sees yet another chance to make some much-needed money slip away.

I wait him out patiently, smiling a bit to ease the pain of rejection, even as I remember all those times past when a young me waited (im)patiently, shouting out a list of much-needed items (blue sequins! gold ribbons! gluestick! glazed paper!) for some school project, while he bustled about, promising to serve you in one minute, just one minute before blatantly moving on to another young brat, keeping the lot of us entranced like a magician, giving us just enough of what we wanted to keep us waiting, but never giving us so much attention that a newcomer might be put off and leave.

His spiel comes to a reluctant close, and as he fiddles in an empty-sounding drawer, I look around and try to remember where each of those then-so-important items were stored. And I realise then that this shop, whose dusty interiors I then took as a sign of forgotten treasures, now just inspires a desire to give it a good cleaning and make it less dingy. I know then that he's not the only one who's become older. Jaded. Weary.

I leave him then, sitting with the ghosts of clamouring throngs, back into a world that's advanced into graphic presentations and virtual presences and global diaries. Back onto pavements that have been upgraded, past new shops that tempt you into moving into a new age of comfort and functionality. Into a world where he and his shop have quickly morphed into dinosaurs, and as quickly, are going extinct.

...I should have bought some sequins.

Contentment

Wada-pav - Check.
Brun pav - Check
Chikoos - Check.
Guavas with chilli and salt - Check.
Home-made idlis - Check.
Home-made filter coffee - Check.
Dahi sev batata puri - Check.
Puranpoli with amti - Check.
Parsi-style omelettes - Check.
...eaten with Maggi Hot-and-Sweet Tomato Chilli Sauce (It's Different) - Check.
Greasy biryani - Check.
Tandoori paneer pizza - Check.
Ever-filling Gujarati thali - Check.
Indian-Chinese hakka noodles - Check.
Shrikhand with hot puris - Check.
Walnut chocolate fudge - Check.
Sitaphal ice-cream - Check.
Fresh jalebis - Check.
Rasmalai - Check.
Kheer - Check.

Lost weight despite all the gorging - Check.

....ah well, we can't have it all.

************************************************

Hello poppets. Normal service is being resumed - once I get through the 500-odd posts that are waiting with ill-concealed irritation to be acknowledged.

Manual of Life - Alternative Definitions

Set-up
n.,
Being shifted from a centre-row seat (which you didn't want) to a window seat (which you did) five minutes before you board

....only to discover that the four rows next to your new seat have six kids (between the ages of seven months to two years) straddling them, all of whom fall asleep only in the last half-hour of a nine-hour flight after having cackled, wailed, screeched, bounced, and romped about the entire time, while being almost entirely disregarded by the people who birthed them.


Related:
* Iron-willed self-restraint
* Himalayan headache
* Mandatory parenthood suitability tests
* Oi, smug lazy jerk, why don't you at least try to amuse/distract/soothe your kid who's cranky and bewildered because of being cooped up in a stuffy, high-pressured tube?