Intense Paranoia - Identification Method #43

Excerpts from the minutes of the meeting of the Committee for the Proection of Proection Proection and Proection, held on 19 Fe bber, 1978.

".....

Minister Edwds: And your lot are certain about this?

Professor Edwd: Quite certain.

Minister Edwds: And there's no possibility of any errors in calculations?

Professor Edwd: None whatsoever.

Minister Edwds: No ambiguity about the conclusions?

Professor Edwd: Not in the least.

Minister Edwds: And everybody's unanimous about this? Nobody has an alternative theory?

Professor Edwd: Sir, every single scientist working on this is agreed that this is inevitable.

Minister Edwds: But dammit, man, it's like something out of a science-fiction story!

Professor Edwd: Nevertheless, sir, this is going to happen.

Minister Edwds: I still don't see how.

Professor Edwd: Let me explain again. Given the explosion of population levels in Asian countries, by 2015, eight of the 15 .........................most populous countries in the world will be from Eastern and Southern Asia. Further, the entire vertical belt from .........................Iran to Japan will account for about 65% of the world's population. On the other hand, the Americas will only account .........................for about 10-15%.

Minister Edwds: With you so far.

Professor Edwd: Ok. Well, given that the Americas are almost directly at the other side of the globe from the Asian region, this will .........................create an imbalance. And because of this imbalance, the distribution of weight on the Earth's surface will ever so .........................slightly be in favour of one side of the globe.

Minister Edwds: But surely the extra landmass of the Americas, not to mention the Pacific Ocean, should balance the scales, so to .........................speak.

Professor Edwd: They do, and they have for all these millennia. But, and this is the crucial bit, this level of population imbalance has .........................never occurred before. In fact, the imbalance will be almost completely imperceptible, and its effect will be almost .........................negligible.

Minister Edwds: Well, then, what's the problem?

Professor Edwd: Almost negligible, sir. Over time, given no changes in the population growth levels, this slight imbalance will continue .........................to grow and eventually cause a very tiny shift in the Earth's rotation and revolution. Again, a very tiny shift, but it will .........................be there nevertheless.

Minister Edwds: And this will cause trouble?

Professor Edwd: Without a doubt. Weather patterns will alter, the effect of the Sun on some parts of the world will be radically .........................different, the magnetic poles may be affected, not to mention the tectonic plates. In short, life will be drastically .........................different.

Minister Edwds: And so you've come up with this solution.

Professor Edwd: Yes, sir. Unless, of course, you wish to pursue a policy of generating wide-spread conflict, natural disasters, and .........................economic meltdowns in the region, which would lead to the deaths of millions of people, and help adjust the balance.

Minister Edwds: Of course not! Don't be stupid, man, nobody wants that on their conscience.

Professor Edwd: Your predecessor didn't seem to mind.

Minister Edwds: My predecessory was a ....

Professor Edwd: An idiot.

Minister Edwds: Hrrumph...yes, quite.

Professor Edwd: Well, then, this is the only real alternative.

Minister Edwds: Can't we just share this data with the world, and try and convince these countries to stop popping out so many .........................children?

Professor Edwd: And risk being accused of trying to control their sovereignity by manipulating data? Risk being accused of attempting .........................to prevent them from 'realising their potential' by acting like a 'typically colonial overlord'? Worse, risk our findings .........................being accepted and then being told that they would be sending boatloads of people over to our side of the world to .........................help balance things out?

Minister Edwds: Yes.....I guess you're right. Alright then, explain what you have in mind.

Professor Edwd: It's simple, sir. Since we can't prevent the Asian countries from growing in population, and since the Americas won't .........................keep up in numbers, we have to simply increase the weight of the population on this side so that overall, the weights .........................match.

Minister Edwds: Fatten them up, you mean, so that one of us are equal to three of them

Professor Edwd: Exactly, sir.

Minister Edwds: And you plan to do this by opening these....what did you call them?

Professor Edwd: Fast food chains, sir.

Minister Edwds: Hahahaha...Won't people lose weight if they have to run to get such food?

Professor Edwd: Ha ha. Very droll, sir. No, it's called so because the food will be served quickly, and because people will be expected to .........................eat it quickly and leave the premises. No more sitting and eating meals at leisure, with lots of chatting. No, you go in, .........................you gulp your food down, and you run off. This will serve three purposes. First, by eating quickly, you're less likely to .........................chew your food properly and thus less likely to digest it properly. A larger percentage of food turns to fat as a result. .........................Two, by serving more people in less time, we get more people to eat. Three, if you're eating so quickly, you're less .........................likely to reflect on how unhealthy the food you're eating really is.

Minister Edwds: And just how unhealthy will the food be?

Professor Edwd: Very. Full of fat, dripping oil, packed with lard-inducing chemicals, a distinct lack of fibre, - the works.

Minister Edwds: And you're convinced people will want to eat such slop?

Professor Edwd: We are quite certain. Our studies show that they will be immensely successful if we merely paint these places in bright .........................colours, advertise them with peppy jingles and a funny slogan or two, give them some quirky names, and throw in a .........................side-order or two of fizzy drinks.

Minister Edwds: And this will all be legitimate?

Professor Edwd: Every step of the way. Publicly listed companies with minority shareholders, giving out dividends, hiring and firing - .........................but all secretly owned by our agents.

Minister Edwds: And there will be no trace back to us?

Professor Edwd: None whatsoever. And even if someone does, whose going to believe such an outrageous story. They'll just be labelled .........................as conspiracy nutters, and that will be that.

Minister Edwds: Well, I guess there's no harm in trying.

Professor Edwd: So we should take that as a 'yes'?

Minister Edwds: Oh why not. Approval granted.

Professor Edwd: Thank you. Now, for the next item on our agenda..

....."