This slogan can mean whatever I want you to.
And you look back, and look around now, and you wonder.
And you doubt.
And you laugh. off.
And you cringe.
And you rationalise.
And you cannot believe it was you who was that, then.
And you cannot accept that it will still be you, soon, doing the same things in years to come.
And you deny.
And you fight.
And you reinvent.
And you never accept that this is you.
And that this will always be you.
And you're stuck.
And that if you just realised that, you would be free.
Labels: Some life
(While this could be true, it could also not be)
When I was seven (or maybe eight), I was going through all the colour-coded Blyton short stories books. One of those carried this story about a mean woman who kept thumping and banging all her furniture and belongings, and how they (the table, the teapot, the pots, etc) got fed up and began playing tricks on her till she realised what was happening and started treating them better.
The story simultaneously made me thankful that there was at least one other person in the world who believed that the objects around us were alive and secretly communicating with each other, and made me even more paranoid for the same reason.
So if you catch me apologising after slamming a door, you know why.
Labels: Friday Fun
"Oh. Well, let's see....Little babies float about on purple bricks, and then giant frisbees come in and announce that they are breaking the rules and will be put away in a room with some no-handled mugs, only they're interrupted by a bottle of ginger beer that jumps up and down and up down and up and down and sprays froth all over them so that the babies escape, and then the frisbees send some wild sunflowers after them that keep reflecting sunlight into the path of the babies so that it's too shiny to see where they're going, and then they come to a river of liquid emerald and the bricks refuse to go on because everybody knows that purple and green don't match, so the babies hop off and take out their lollipops and lick them till they're really sticky and then throw them at the sunflowers to tangle them up, and then -"
"No. I meant, tell us about your career dreams."
Labels: Imagined un-verse
It's not you,
The me you turned the me
who wanted to be with you
The me that is more what you
imagined me to be,
than the me that could have been.
The me I stare at,
as you would at an old friend
at the embarassment they have become.
It's not you,
And I want me back.
Labels: Imagined verse
The crumbs left behind in the butter after toast has been made.
The swirls of changing colour as cream is mixed into a tomato-based sauce.
The just-brown of perfectly grilled cheese.
The way dal bubbles out of the little hole in the middle of the rice mound.
The way an orange balances when you pierce it with your thumb.
The little film that forms on the top of a properly brewed cup of chai.
The inexhaustible soakability of a tiny crust of bread in mopping up gravy.
The way the flesh pops out when you squeeze a grape just right.
The way drowned biscuits end up as abstract art.
The way a dollop of butter transforms soup.
....the little magics of food.
"Lame excuse. Real bloggers can blog on stone, wood, fire and even water".
- The ever-reliable KM.
In some form or the other, most of us have remarked about how personal blogs are a form of navel-gazing.
Trying to figure out why you have one is just the extreme version of the sport (?).
Over these three years (fraaaaack!) I've come to understand why I'm doing so, and maybe understand why I'm doing it in the way I do. And some of them I'm even beginning to accept, even though I'm not sure of them.
Like why I don't blog spontaneously that often. Like why I don't spill frustrations and problems out here. Like how I'd rather people think I was lazy than correct them about why I'm not blogging.
Because that's my way of doing it.
Which only gives me more avenues to explore at leisure - why is that my way of doing it?
However, there's this little niggling guilt that's always there. As if I owe something to the blog. To all of you. To myself, to justify all the time spent on the blog so far. To all the drafts I make up and am just too lazy to type out (note to self: look up speech-to-text software).
And what I think I owe is to do it properly, rather than haphazardly, or because I think I should. So maybe I might just take an extended break till I sort this out. Till I figure out how I want to blog. And whether I'm a blogger, or just have a blog (yes, this old chestnut again).
Although, maybe that's just how I do like to do it, in which case I shouldn't fight it. And I might continue to remain erratic.
Have a waffle.
With melted chocolate and cream, of course.
There are lines everywhere.
Some lines were laid down after a group of people decided that what they all agreed on made sense, and which have been slowly reinforced by each succeeding generation, making the lines a little bit deeper and a little bit wider, till they're no longer lines but a deep chasm that forces you most of the time to stay on the side you are on, the side where everybody else is and where everything's known and comfortable, till such a time as you finally draw together the crazed courage to give in to the need to prove that it is possible to cross unscathed; and you ready and you ready and you ready and then rush down the slope as fast as you can, hoping that your belief-fuelled momentum will put a giant hand on your ass and push you as you struggle up the other side, only to slowly realise that it's not going to happen, because what you thought was a chasm is really a pit, a giant trap to snare fools like you who try and fight for themselves, who believe that they can escape when so many others never could, who believe they should be allowed to do what they want and not what they're told, only to run (willingly, mind you) into this place and stand here like you do, right down in the deepest part of the shadows, realising you may never get to the place you wanted to...and never get back either; and all you are left with are the others who wander the underworld, unwanted deserters who wanted to explore new territories, your new family.
Some lines run away from where you stand, splitting up and rushing away from your singularity, so that you see no point in trying to find a way around, but instead walk across, and keep walking and walking till you realise the lines have managed to sneak around, and you remember that a circle is just a series of infinitely small lines, and that you've been lured into the centre of one, into something that you have no idea about and want less to do with, and that you can only always be either in or out, and that there is no other side.
Some lines are drawn by your mind, signposts in a special colour that only you can see and which only you understand the significance of, laid down so that you prevent yourself from becoming the person you nightmare that you can be, so that they become a permanent challenge, testing you all the time, daring, wheedling, tempting, a challenge that you sometimes fail, which you try and negate by crossing right back and telling yourself that it didn't matter because nobody saw you crossing the line anway and besides you're right where you started, but which the line never lets you forget, as it smiles and tempts to double-cross yourself again.
There are lines everywhere.
And they lie.
cannot be true,
just those you merely
dream of dreaming.
cannot be won,
just those you
struggle against fighting.
just the one you
live because you must.
or choose not to;
only you make you,
and only you don't.
Labels: Thoughts in Flow