Another facet of this happenstance.
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Life has a way of creating regular patterns. Just like the way we create patterns for ourselves - the way we brush our teeth, the way we hold our mugs, the way we adjust the computer screen. Life takes that to a higher level, and it is we who become the object/action that is subjected to a pattern. And the worst bit is, even though you can recognise the pattern and try to alter it, it just ends up ending the same way it did the last time round. Very Groundhog Day.
For instance, you meet an interesting person, who seems less daft than most people try to make themselves. They have a sense of humour, a warmth, and a certain equanimity that stems from the sense of knowing who they are. You like that spark. You talk. Surreal conversations follow. A friendship blooms. It feels all comfortable and...lasting.
And then you stop receiving communications.
Gradually, but surely.
And then, suddenly, it's two years down the line, and you haven't met, haven't spoken to each other, haven't mailed. And you have no idea why.
Maybe they found out there wasn't as much to you as they believed. Maybe you came across as too intense or too needy. Maybe they just found a new set of more interesting friends, or a soulmate who they felt closer to. Maybe they thought that you thought it meant more than it did, and that you hoped for and expected more than you actually were. Maybe they thought you didn't want it to go on, that you were carrying them. Or maybe, it was just circumstance.
Maybe.
You could learn to live with any of that, painful though that may be.
But it's the not knowing that hurts the most.
And time doesn't wash it away.
And every so often, you wonder if you'll ever learn the answer.
And more than that, you hope that one day you will manage to find a way to break the pattern from reaching the end it always has. Or, at least, be able to pick up the threads from just one of these awry patterns, and set them right.
Till then, you live with the memories. And you hope.
...what else do you have?
8.1.08
Not maudlin, just contemplative
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Some life
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9 comments:
Aww. There there...
There only. not here. more's the pity.
You still hope?!?! How do you manage that???
Oh, and please don't change your blog... I love all the little surprises :)
Better that than the crushing guilt they throw at you. "I know I have no right to say it, but please listen to me and tone down your schedule a bit" et cetera et cetera.
There only. not here.
Ah, but even 'there' is a locatable place; it's 'where' that's the problem. No?
ot:
hoping is fun. and easy to do once you get into the groove. also kinda sad when taken too far.
and thank you. don't worry - I've given up on trying to stick to a pattern.
reno:
right-o.
sb:
zees is also true.
And you look back on that and wonder how sweet it would be to fall back into that comfortable pattern. How it be to go back to not being single, or back to calling up that person everyday.
But you don't have the guts to lift up the receiver so many years later. You are scared to make the move. And it is never resolved.
espera:
'twas more about friends in general, but yeh, applies to this as well.
also, just realised I'd omitted talking about futile attempts to communicate. Zank you for pointer. My bad.
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